DistresswayBy Kim Roberts A couple, in their twenties. Can be any racce or ethnicity, but they must be able to sing. The stage is empty except for a car seat. MAN and WOMAN are sitting side by side; MAN is driving. MAN starts singing “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash. MAN “I can see clearly now, my brain is gone...” WOMAN Stop, now. MAN “I can see all orchestras in my day...” WOMAN Why can’t you ever sing the right words? MAN I have trouble with the right words. WOMAN Don’t I know it. MAN Continues to hum the next line. WOMAN Hey--this is serious. Don’t try to change the subject. MAN What? WOMAN No more joking with my mother. No more getting me into trouble. I need you to promise. MAN Should I take the expressway? WOMAN Definitely. Much faster. MAN Remember when we lived in Boston, and I used to call it the Distressway? WOMAN And Storrow Drive was Sorrow Drive. MAN “Gone are the spark plugs I’ve been dreaming of...”
WOMAN I still haven’t heard you promise me. MAN ”Gonna be a bright, bright, bright punch-me-out day.” WOMAN I’m waiting... MAN Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Don’t get you in trouble. WOMAN I mean it. Stop singing for one minute and listen to me. MAN You know I like to sing when I drive. WOMAN Yes. Believe me I know. Every time I drive your car, when I start it up, the radio’s so incredibly loud I nearly get blasted out of the driver’s seat. It’s a miracle you still have eardrums. MAN Is this where I turn? The next light? WOMAN No, no, it’s one more light. You’ll see the sign. I can’t believe you’re asking. Pause. MAN Okay, here come the signs. This exit? Do we want to go east or west? WOMAN Go west, young man. MAN Gotcha. WOMAN Listen, how many million times have you driven to my mother’s house? And you ask every single time. This is some sort of mental block. MAN makes motions like turning a steering wheel. They both lean slightly to one side, as if leaning into the curve. MAN It’s just that one part. Where we turn. It’s about the road, not your mother. WOMAN It’s about my mother. MAN You know this is where I always get lost. WOMAN It’s a mental block. Look, we’re going to be there in ten minutes. Let’s talk about the subjects to avoid, okay? Are you listening? MAN As a kid, I always thought the weatherman was warning us about the “Wind Shield Factor.” WOMAN The what? MAN
The Wind Shield Factor. You know, the winter winds? WOMAN Stop joking! MAN I’m just saying... WOMAN I really wish you’d be more careful with your words. MAN Don’t get all serious on me. WOMAN Please. MAN What? What are you getting at? WOMAN Well, the last time at my mother’s. MAN Here we go. WOMAN It’s been two months now, and every time we speak, she brings it up. It’s no fun for me. I keep saying you meant it as a joke. MAN She’s never understood my humor. WOMAN The thing is, it wasn’t a joke. MAN Sure it was. WOMAN No. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced. How could you tell her I was bad with money? You know it’s a sensitive spot. You told her I was irresponsible. MAN I did not. WOMAN You said-- MAN She was complimenting your shoes. This was not a discussion about world peace or the cure for cancer. WOMAN And you said, God forbid I should pass up a nice pair of shoes. MAN Right! Shoes, for God’s sake! WOMAN You told me mother that money flowed through my fingers like water. MAN I was just joking. WOMAN But you know how my mother would interpret that. You know my mother. MAN Money flows through everyone’s fingers. It’s the nature of money. WOMAN She thinks I’m going bankrupt any second. MAN We’re certainly on the Distressway now. WOMAN What the hell does that mean? MAN Why do we have to rehash this again and again? WOMAN Because since that little conversation, I have to sit through a weekly discussion where my mother asks about our finances. MAN How do we always get to this place? I feel like we travel in circles. WOMAN My mother thinks I can’t take care of myself. You know this. She’s always said I was “flighty. You know damn well there are certain words that set her off. MAN Always the same argument. You could almost set your watch by it. WOMAN Because you’re not careful about how you say things. This is about saying the right words. MAN I have trouble with the right words. Pause. WOMAN Who am I to disagree? MAN What did you say? WOMAN How do you usually say it? “Here am I on bended knee?” MAN Does this mean you’re not mad at me after all? WOMAN Maybe. If you can say the right thing. For once in your life. Can you keep your big mouth shur this evening and be nice to my mother? She mouths his answer at the same time he says it, making a face. MAN doesn’t see, because he’s facing ahead, toward the road. MAN I’ll be good. WOMAN Promise me. Because you think you’re being cute, but I have to pay for it. MAN I promise. Scout’s honor. Singing “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics
“Sweet cream is made of cheese WOMAN “I traveled the world in generic jeans...” MAN
In falsetto WOMAN No talk about money this time. No “jokes” about playing the lottery. No off-the-cuff remarks about my “extensive wardrobe.” Understand? She mouths along with him again. MAN I’ll be good.
WOMAN
MAN WOMAN That’s the problem. I’m a realist. As you pointed out, it’s very likely we will travel this way again. MAN On the Distressway? WOMAN Or on Sorrow Drive. |
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