Four Viennese Men

by Adam Jeffries Schwartz

Viennese Man Number two

You´re sitting on the stoop, looking your sweet self waiting for someone, when Viennese man number two walks past, sees your guide book and doubles back.He´s over seventy and looks professorial-- in the happiest possible way-- all tweedy and sprightly.

Do you need help? He asks.

Actually, no, you´re just waiting for someone. You say, What do you recommend?

Behind his glasses his blue eyes gleam, they really do and he inquires what I´ve seen so far.

The opera, how wonderful! Was it very difficult to get seats?

No, you say, no seat.

Professor man looks concerned, Was it very bad?

No, no, on the ground floor you see right into the stage, it was really OK.

He looks relieved. Then he tells you about special libraries, small museums and leaves you with a secret,

All numbers get smaller as you go to St. Stephen, many Viennese don´t know that.
Just remember that and you can never get lost.

Viennese Man Number three

Your someone still hasn´t shown up, so you go to the market next door, where the self service bread is in a bread museum.
You see a long metal stick but are unsure what to do with it.

A Turkish-Viennese man motions. Apparently it´s like a fun house game,you reach in and try to pull out a prize. Rolls fall into the trough below, which you grab with your filthy, plague encrusted hands.

That, you say, was complicated and useless.

Of course, Viennese Man number three says, this is Vienna, everything is complicated and useless.

Viennese Man number four

Your someone must have drowned in the Danube, poor guy, so you walk, walk, walk away. Actually, walk, stop, stop, stop is more accurate. Stop lights are taken very seriously here.

You have stopped and you are waiting, when Viennese Man number four, takes one giant step backwards into you. Your hand raises defensively to stop him. Viennese man yells at you.

This yelling is a mistake, Stupid foreigner.

Excuse me?

Stu-pid foreigner, why don´t you go home.

You take one giant step closer to him and say,
If you´re dumb enough to back into someone, you probably shouldn´t yell at him also.

Viennese man walks quietly past six other Viennese, who had lost both hearing and sight, before saying,
Stupid Foreigner, why don´t you just go home.

It´s lucky--for him--he said foreigner and not Jew.

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Adam Jeffries Schwartz has been published in more than 20 literary & travel magazines.
He graduated from Vassar College and is on the road most of the time.


	Four Viennese Men by Adam Jeffries Schwartz Viennese Man Number two You´re sitting on the stoop, looking your sweet self waiting for someone, when Viennese man number two walks past, sees your guide book and doubles back.He´s over seventy and looks professorial-- in the happiest possible way-- all tweedy and sprightly. Do you need help? He asks. Actually, no, you´re just waiting for someone. You say, What do you recommend? Behind his glasses his blue eyes gleam, they really do and he inquires what I´ve seen so far. The opera, how wonderful! Was it very difficult to get seats? No, you say, no seat. Professor man looks concerned, Was it very bad? No, no, on the ground floor you see right into the stage, it was really OK. He looks relieved. Then he tells you about special libraries, small museums and leaves you with a secret, All numbers get smaller as you go to St. Stephen, many Viennese don´t know that. Just remember that and you can never get lost. Viennese Man Number three Your someone still hasn´t shown up, so you go to the market next door, where the self service bread is in a bread museum. You see a long metal stick but are unsure what to do with it. A Turkish-Viennese man motions. Apparently it´s like a fun house game,you reach in and try to pull out a prize. Rolls fall into the trough below, which you grab with your filthy, plague encrusted hands. That, you say, was complicated and useless. Of course, Viennese Man number three says, this is Vienna, everything is complicated and useless. Viennese Man number four Your someone must have drowned in the Danube, poor guy, so you walk, walk, walk away. Actually, walk, stop, stop, stop is more accurate. Stop lights are taken very seriously here. You have stopped and you are waiting, when Viennese Man number four, takes one giant step backwards into you. Your hand raises defensively to stop him. Viennese man yells at you. This yelling is a mistake, Stupid foreigner. Excuse me? Stu-pid foreigner, why don´t you go home. You take one giant step closer to him and say, If you´re dumb enough to back into someone, you probably shouldn´t yell at him also. Viennese man walks quietly past six other Viennese, who had lost both hearing and sight, before saying, Stupid Foreigner, why don´t you just go home. It´s lucky--for him--he said foreigner and not Jew. __________________________________________________________________________ Adam Jeffries Schwartz has been published in more than 20 literary & travel magazines. He graduated from Vassar College and is on the road most of the time.