Night Out

Five rows. One section. At least nine seats.

RANDALL and SARAH are seated in the first row. KENNETH and DOLORIS sit behind them. Two rows back sits EDWARD and behind him is STANLEY.

Lights up as RANDALL is talking quietly to SARAH, who stays facing forward, shocked, throughout.

RANDALL

…then one time I saw this gorgeous woman and said I had to have her and she became mine for a while then saw someone else who fit her fancy and I was on the lawn with my dick in my hand and no where to stick myself so I called up Edna

whom I had left for the gorgeous woman I’d never caught her name but she couldn’t accept me back on the terms of our past agreement so I told her I’d try her back if some of my other prospects didn’t work out which they did because I called Annie who was in the need for a little Randalling which I’ve found from time to time to be the way a woman’s mind works and I can’t explain it but Annie and I were on together for a couple months and it was pretty nice living she has a wonderful apartment and to tell you the truth I could stand for a little time away from the family and kids so we had some laughs until it was clearly not in either of our best interests to continue on our arrangement –

A FOREIGN MAN enters hollering in a foreign tongue quieting RANDALL a moment.

The MAN stops and points at FIONA.

FIONA

Oh, is he talking to me? [Beat.] Steve? Is he talking to me?

STEVE

Theatre is supposed to happen in front of us. Not behind. Not to the side.

FIONA

[To the man.] Are you talking to me?

STEVE

I am going to remain seated. Facing forward.

The MAN gags FIONA and drags her off.

We shall see what she can do on stage. Hopefully better than she can do off.

EDWARD

Well, I’ll be. Did you see that Stanley?

STANLEY

Edward, I didn’t see anything.

EDWARD

That man just took off with that poor woman.

STANLEY

Didn’t look poor to me.

STEVE

My wife is gone.

KENNETH

I saw that one coming.

DOLORIS

Kenneth.

KENNETH

You want a crack at the Ice Queen, Steve?

DOLORIS

Never in all my years.

STANLEY

You do deserve better, Doloris.

KENNETH

We both settled.

STANLEY

Is anyone on top of what we are seeing tonight?

KENNETH

A comedy.

EDWARD

Hey, Steve? Where’d you’re wife go?

I still felt a little sore cause we had been going at it for a while a couple months like I said and I was beginning to see more of you know when that happens and I didn’t mind being sore because we had some laughs right and now I’m back on the road with it all hanging out wondering if you may want to saddle up and for a ride after the show I mean not literally saddle up but I wouldn’t be opposed to it I’m not discriminatory it’s just you would have to teach me or coach me or whatever you want to call it hell if you want to train me and put a dog collar on that’s fine as well I’ll really take it anyway you want except well of course we both know I mean you wouldn’t be coming to the theatre if I mean I’m a gentleman all the way don’t get me wrong I want to please you whichever way necessary it’s just I had this college friend a nd we tried some things that didn’t really sit well in my stomach he was a nice guy who I thought was a woman well but it turned out well he wasn’t well I thought all the dorms were coed I mean I also knew we had a big foreign exchange program it was the first week of school and it scarred me that’s all and of course I was open minded I mean yes I had feelings I needed to explore but it turned out I just can’t perform under those conditions so I hope you understand I just wanted you to know I’m feeling strong vibes between us and hope you are intending for me to be feeling them and whatever happens afterwards know I’m up for most anything don’t need to be nosey about your past I just like to make sure you know about mine because I’ve been hurt before when I keep things bottled up and I really like the way you smell and coming here with me has meant a lot I know it was awkward I had never made eye contact with you in the office before but I’d watch you when you weren’t looking and dream about coming up behind you and taking you by force on the copier machine like that one movie or television program when the guy takes the girl on the copier and maybe we’d even copy our sweaty bodies and circulate prints around the firm no one would even be able to tell cause we’re going at it so hard though I do have a scar that most of the office saw at our last Christmas party but it would only reveal me and of course I would never tell anyone who the other guilty party was until maybe this Christmas when we sent everyone cards from the two of us using the copy as our picture Jerry would surely get a laugh at that as would Leonard and Samantha would definitely chuckle but deep down inside she would be hurting cause we slept together two Christmas parties ago and well it was actually Leonard and I but she doesn’t realize and I could never get myself to tell her that it wasn’t me who whispered all of those things so I just told her I was in love with Julie which I was at the time not in love but loved Julie only for a brief week when she was wearing one of those neck braces after her car accident I couldn’t help wonder whether she would keep the brace on if we were to go at it and maybe I could be a little more rough because of the

RANDALL

I guess the show is about to start so I hope you don’t mind I really can’t stand talking during the performance so try and pick up on as much as you can and I’ll explain what everything meant afterwards.

STEVE rises.

STEVE

Stop! Stop everything. Lights up. Fiona! Fiona? Excuse me, but my wife is about to make an enormous mistake. I did not undress the waitress with my eyes. I merely lifted her skirt.

Lights continue to fade.

Fiona! I want you to know you are the only woman for me. Don’t go through with this! Fiona!

BLACKOUT.