Don’t let it win just because
then you think it might not eat you.

Try not to say how glossy its scales look,
like a perfect purse or wallet
you saw at the department store.

Make sure you choose a neutral site,
as the swamp is full of its friends,
such as the wily turtle or brutal salamander.

Do not soak yourself in barbecue sauce or cooking oil
to make yourself more slippery.

Brushing its teeth before the fight,
while a friendly gesture,
may give it the wrong ideas.

Declaring yourself king of the Everglades
and wearing an alligator skin championship belt
might upset it unnecessarily.

Do some push ups, lift some weights.

If it’s victorious, don’t be a sore loser –
put yourself between its jaws,
patiently wait while it crunches
you down then swallows.

Videotape the encounter for ESPN
or the Animal Planet cable stations.

Eating one of its family members before
the bout is considered to be in poor taste.

Use all your strength and power, don’t
hold back, even if you’re winning.

Watch out you’re not carried into the water,
as it swims a little better than you do,
even if you hold a record in the butterfly.

No rubbing it in if you defeat it: promise the gator
it’ll be a fashionable item, no kitschy scabbard or
hat.

Pack your foe like luggage.
Put everything you know inside.

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Donald Illich has published poems in The Iowa Review, Fourteen Hills, and New Zoo Poetry Review. He has poems forthcoming in several journals, including Passages North, Nimrod, LIT, The Sulphur River Literary Review, Plainsongs, CrossConnect Magazine, Xavier Review, and Cold Mountain Review. He works as a writer in Rockville, Maryland.