4 Skits By Austin Alderman and Sam Clifton |
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Short Sleeve Suit Scene opens on two Men in suits standing near a water cooler mid-discussion. Austin: So, it turns out it wasn't even a long distance call. Chris: No... Austin: Yeah, see, it turns out I wasn't even on the phone. Man, I wasn't even... Sam enters reading a newspaper. He is dressed in a gray suit with the sleeves and pant legs cut off. Austin: Hey, Sam, what's going on? Sam: Not much, man, you? Chris: Uh...Sam, did you cut off your sleeves and...pant legs? Sam: What? It's fucking hot! End ### What Happens in Vegas Scene Opens on a Dinner Party. Everybody's sitting around a table listening to Chris tell his story... Chris: So then the wife, you know how she is, she walks right into the fountain, right? I could not freakin' believe it! I mean, shit, right? Ha, damn... Jack: Yeah...So Steve, how was Vegas? Steve: Well... Todd leaps over the table and beats the ever-loving crap out of Steve. Todd: (Stands up and points threateningly down at Steve). What HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS!!! End ### Ghost Monies The scene opens on a musty basement. Two young men in black cloaks are standing around a white bed sheet with a bright red pentagram on it. Strewn about the room are D&D books, red spray-paint cans, and bags of Doritos. The taller of the two is reading from a black, leather-bound book and chanting. As he does, Sam moves about the sheet, lighting candles. Austin:
Eko, Eko, Azarak Bagabi
laca bachabe Lmaca
lamac bachalyos Lagoz
atha cabyolas Silence as the two wait for…anything, but nothing happens. Sam: Did it work? Austin: No, I don’t think so… Sam: Well, what went wrong? Austin: I don’t know. Everything is in place: the pentacle, the candles, the…goblet… Sam: What? Austin: The blood of a virgin… Sam: Shit!!! Mother-fucking virgin. God damn it. Piece of… Sam’s string of profanities continues. A knock at the door. Sam: …shit. What the fuck now. We’re never going to fucking finish this shit… Austin opens the door. A man in a white collared shirt and black tie stands in the doorway. Austin attempts to obscure his view of the scene behind him. Austin: Yeah, what? Chris: Hi I’m with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I’d like to speak with you about the message of our lord Jesus Christ. Sam takes Austin aside and whispers to him. Sam: Hey, he’s Mormon, right? Austin: Yeah, so? Sam produces a goblet from his robe. They look back and forth between the cup and the Mormon for a moment before tackling him. The lights dim as he screams. End ### Bananas Foster Scene on Narrator. As he speaks Austin and Sam act out parts from Ghost Monies. Narrator: Last time: the boys attempted a Satanic ritual for some reason and forgot the most important ingredient: the blood of a virgin. Luckily, at that very moment, a Mormon appeared. What will happen next? Stay tuned to find out! Lights down until Chris screams then lights up. Sam: All right. This time, it should work. Austin reads the final part of the satanic rite. Austin:
Lagoz atha cabyolas (Beat) Sam: Did it not work again!? Austin: Shit, this time we had everything! Austin & Sam pace around. A knock is heard at the door. Sam: Do you think it’s the other one? Austin: The other what? Sam: The other Mormon. They always travel in pairs. Austin answers the door. A very innocent looking Woman stands impatiently at stage right. Austin: Don’t worry dude, it’s just some chick. Sam: (frantically cleaning up, stops, and looks up) Oh, ok. Austin: What do you want? Woman: Ok, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Austin: What? Sam: Man, maybe we didn’t use enough blood. (Beat) Woman: Ok, you called me. Sam: Hey wait! Is she Mormon? Austin: What are you talking about? We don’t even have a phone. Sam walks over to door. Woman: You guys really don’t know who I am? Sam and Austin shake their heads. Woman: I AM THE ONE CALLED MORNINGSTAR, THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, THE LORD OF DARKNESS! Sam and Austin shrug. Woman: Satan. Sam and Austin high-five excitedly. Sam: Dude, we did it! Austin: I know! Satan: Ok. So. You know the drill, right? Sam and Austin shake their heads. Satan: I do something totally freakin’ awesome for you, and (under breath) you give me your souls. Austin: Oka…. Wait. What? (Beat) Austin: How about this? You do something for just me, and I’ll give you Sam’s soul. Sam: Yeah…Wait, no! Fuck you man! Satan: Hey, c’mon guys. I’m a busy demon here. Voice: (from offstage) Halt! You shall repent thyselves at once! God enters from stage left. Sam and Austin are in awe and drop to their knees . Sam: God? God: Yes! I am thy Lord, God. Austin: What, what are you doing here? God: Well, after years of no intervention whatsoever, I’ve decided to severely punish all sinners again. You know, like the old days. (Cracks knuckles) Okay, get ready for your smiting. Austin and Sam: Wait, wait, wait, wait…. Austin: We’re not Satanists… God: Okay then, what’s that (points to pentagram) and that (points to Chris) and that (points to Satan). Sam: Nothing…. (covers Chris with pentagram) Austin: She was just leaving… Satan: You CANNOT order the Prince of Darkness! Austin: Wait. Prince? Satan puts hands in pockets awkwardly. Satan: Yeah…(Satan exits) Jesus enters from stage left. Jesus: C’mon dad! The car’s running! God: Ugh…Fine. I’ll let you guys off this time. Sam and Austin bow. God: But you better watch yourselves; no more of this Satan business. (turns to Jesus) Ok, who’s next? Jesus: (looks at scroll) Well, George W. invited us to dinner again. God: Fuck that! Jesus: Ok, um, Anton LaVey? God: (laughs) It’s smitin’ time! God and Jesus exit. Sam: Hey...are they gone? Austin: Yeah, I think so. Sam unfurls
pentagram and Austin puts hood up and opens book. End ### |
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Austin Alderman is a college student whose previous works have been published in The Bagpipe. He is one half of the acting duo, The Closet Matadors, who can be seen on a semi-regular basis at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke. Sam
Clifton is a junior in high school. He has been writing skits
and vignettes for about a year. This is his first published work. |
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